[ yeah other finn's big mood was "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING STOP TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE REY" with a side of listening to rey and "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT" because poe was too busy being hulk smashed to create a cohesive narrative. so yeah, he was not feeling Loved and Supported on that particular day.
and then finn left. he and rey made up because they were sad and lonely and ~all they had was each other~ after finn left and … kylo ren broke up with her that day. a different day. that issue was resolved.
but then there was finn. he didn't believe he was wrong, wouldn't, but he still didn't want to lose finn in the process. there was just a lot of conflict there inside him. a big knotted fucked up ball of conflict. that he carried around for multiple weeks. and was determined to keep carrying, because if he didn't have to talk about it, he didn't have to receive confirmation that he was right and that he had yeeted straight into a dealbreaker.
he breathes. just takes a second breathing there. breathing because he said it, he got to say it without rey screaming bloody murder at him, and everything is still somehow fine.
he almost even sort of smiles, because finn is right. he'd had that thought himself. he trusted finn when he didn't really have a reason to, and he'd been right about finn. he could see the goodness in people, and he didn't tend to be wrong.
and now, when finn is explaining that he didn't leave the first order to be a rebel, he understands. maybe he kind of always knew it. he immediately called finn out on him not helping him because it was The Right Thing to Do. maybe he just wanted to believe that of finn anyway. and he wanted finn to feel like he belonged with the resistance, that he was part of something. believing he was on board with The Ideals made that easier.
if he didn't get it before, he gets it now. people aren't usually drawn in by the Ideals of one side versus the other. it's the little things. leia meant more to him than the resistance did. holdo told him to clean a bedpan if he wanted to serve a princess and he mutinied in the name of Preserving Her Vision, so. he knew that much about himself. that was his base need.
finn wanted to run. that was his. and that was what it was. no judgment. ]
I know. Or — it makes sense, anyway. I get it.
[ he looks up and manages a small smile. it went from sort of to actual. ]
I never told anyone. It doesn't really matter anymore, I guess. He's not here. But he told me his incentive, the whole reason he was with Hathaway, wasn't about the Empire at all. I think it was about a person. So I still don't think I'm wrong. I don't think stuff like that's that simple anymore, you know? The things we all do. It's not really black and white. It's all small stuff.
no subject
and then finn left. he and rey made up because they were sad and lonely and ~all they had was each other~ after finn left and … kylo ren broke up with her that day. a different day. that issue was resolved.
but then there was finn. he didn't believe he was wrong, wouldn't, but he still didn't want to lose finn in the process. there was just a lot of conflict there inside him. a big knotted fucked up ball of conflict. that he carried around for multiple weeks. and was determined to keep carrying, because if he didn't have to talk about it, he didn't have to receive confirmation that he was right and that he had yeeted straight into a dealbreaker.
he breathes. just takes a second breathing there. breathing because he said it, he got to say it without rey screaming bloody murder at him, and everything is still somehow fine.
he almost even sort of smiles, because finn is right. he'd had that thought himself. he trusted finn when he didn't really have a reason to, and he'd been right about finn. he could see the goodness in people, and he didn't tend to be wrong.
and now, when finn is explaining that he didn't leave the first order to be a rebel, he understands. maybe he kind of always knew it. he immediately called finn out on him not helping him because it was The Right Thing to Do. maybe he just wanted to believe that of finn anyway. and he wanted finn to feel like he belonged with the resistance, that he was part of something. believing he was on board with The Ideals made that easier.
if he didn't get it before, he gets it now. people aren't usually drawn in by the Ideals of one side versus the other. it's the little things. leia meant more to him than the resistance did. holdo told him to clean a bedpan if he wanted to serve a princess and he mutinied in the name of Preserving Her Vision, so. he knew that much about himself. that was his base need.
finn wanted to run. that was his. and that was what it was. no judgment. ]
I know. Or — it makes sense, anyway. I get it.
[ he looks up and manages a small smile. it went from sort of to actual. ]
I never told anyone. It doesn't really matter anymore, I guess. He's not here. But he told me his incentive, the whole reason he was with Hathaway, wasn't about the Empire at all. I think it was about a person. So I still don't think I'm wrong. I don't think stuff like that's that simple anymore, you know? The things we all do. It's not really black and white. It's all small stuff.