[ His first answer punches her in the gut. Takes the wind right out of her sails. Something fractures in her expression, crumbles, and it's only when his hand finds hers that she remembers to breathe at all. It feels too much like losing him, and that's a dizzying, horrifying feeling. Finn was the first person to ever treat her like she was worth something, the only person to consistently do so. The prospect of losing that hits her where it hurts.
She squeezes his hand like it's a lifeline.
Every part of her knows that she shouldn't, that this feeling is a bad one. She shouldn't be this desperate to hold onto people. So afraid to lose them. But she has to accept that fear, not hide from it. Accept it, then move on from it. She'd lost Keith. The worst possible thing had happened, and she'd survived it, and they'd come out the other end.
It's hard not to keep cycling the same toxic, codependent thought process that wrecked her relationship with Keith though. He's leaving. He's leaving and it's your fault. You asked for too much. You're selfish. Greedy. Why can't you just— But it's useless. Pointless, this thinking.
This too she swallows down, nods to him to show she's still listening, she's heard him, but her eyes are glassy and all of her effort right now is going into keeping it restrained to that level. ]
I don't know how to handle it either.
[ She admits that quietly. Somehow she'd thought telling him, telling Poe, would fix all of it. But it hasn't. It's as disappointing as Luke had been. As her parents. As any truth can be. ]
no subject
She squeezes his hand like it's a lifeline.
Every part of her knows that she shouldn't, that this feeling is a bad one. She shouldn't be this desperate to hold onto people. So afraid to lose them. But she has to accept that fear, not hide from it. Accept it, then move on from it. She'd lost Keith. The worst possible thing had happened, and she'd survived it, and they'd come out the other end.
It's hard not to keep cycling the same toxic, codependent thought process that wrecked her relationship with Keith though. He's leaving. He's leaving and it's your fault. You asked for too much. You're selfish. Greedy. Why can't you just— But it's useless. Pointless, this thinking.
This too she swallows down, nods to him to show she's still listening, she's heard him, but her eyes are glassy and all of her effort right now is going into keeping it restrained to that level. ]
I don't know how to handle it either.
[ She admits that quietly. Somehow she'd thought telling him, telling Poe, would fix all of it. But it hasn't. It's as disappointing as Luke had been. As her parents. As any truth can be. ]
I'm doing the best I can.