[ Oh. Not an especially eloquent thought to have, oh. Oh, and the way that life sometimes cheats. Oh, and the way that things get taken before you know what they even are, and sometimes you're so busy trying to function that you don't realize what you lost by never being allowed to have it.
He's never died. Only come close a few times. Still, he thinks the sentiment behind it falls in the neighborhood of things he understands. ]
I don't know. Figuring out good things isn't in my pay grade. [ Something good you have is something you can lose. There's always another shoe waiting to drop. Maybe that's why.
Finn's always had trouble pinpointing exactly what it is about Jyn and Cassian that he can feel himself reflecting. The sense of cautious ease, an understanding without a real name. Different than it is with Rey or with Poe. People are hard, being a person is hard. Maybe they're all just a little off in the same ways. (He can't think broken if it's not just him.)
Finn knocks the fronts of his boots together a couple of times, where he's got his legs stretched out.
He's better at hope than he used to be. That has to be good for something. After a second, he tips his head to one side. ] But I'm pretty sure Cassian knows about as much about doing this as either of us do, so.
[ That's probably a good thing too right. They're both at like level 0. No expectations. They can figure it out from the ground floor. He thinks that sounds like a thing that's real. What good is being a whole two years older when he can only vaguely pretend to be wise. smdh. But you know what he absolutely, 100% knows about this? ]
I figure anything you know is a good thing is something worth finding. You're still on the same team. You're in this together. Worse ways to start.
Together, [ she repeats. it's the thing that makes the most sense. they've been partners from the start, that hasn't changed here. her chest still feels tight and everything is sitting uncomfortably in her chest, but finn is right.
they're a team. ]
If you tell anyone...
[ it will not be pretty. she was in an imperial prison, she knows all about torture. no, she would never, finn is a Good Person and she adores him. but she will let the cat pee all over his everything until all he can smell for the rest of his life is cat urine. ]
[ At the very least, it doesn't seem like trying hard managed to mess this situation up. He's not sure if it really helped. There's not much help to be given from a source with zero functional knowledge. She doesn't seem worse off, and that has to be some kind of a good sign.
It's always good to hear you're not alone.
Jyn is even still herself enough to make threats. That probably shouldn't make him smile, and yet? ]
Yeah, I know. [ Or he can guess what the implication is. She could basically destroy him on any given day, through a lot of different means. ] Don't worry. I don't break promises.
[ she knows she should go back, her hour is tick tick ticking away but. maybe in a few minutes when she's brave. just kidding, she's never brave so she'll go back in a few minutes when she has the wherewithal to shove these feelings down with the rest of them. ]
I never asked, what happened.
[ she gestures at the door like that explains the rest of her entirely vague question. everything was cool and now he and poe live here and it's been A While and she's just bothering to ask now because 3am on the floor in the hallway seems like the best time to have conversations about life, the universe, and everything. ]
[ It's sleepover talking rules without the sleepover. Finn makes a half-assed effort to look up and behind himself at the door since she went to the trouble of gesturing.
He's pretty sure he knows exactly what she means already. But he has to remember that he was also "pretty sure" DJ actually owned that ship from Canto Bight for like twenty minutes? Or however long that time frame was exactly, because TLJ could be a little muddled about that at times. Anyway, he opts to clarify, since it is 3 AM and she could be thinking of something else. ]
Kind of complicated. Some of it's not really mine to talk about. [ And that's not just him trying to make his case about being good with promises. Finn doesn't sound against giving an answer by any means. He takes a second to think, though, forehead creasing.
Some of it he knows should be fine to mention. And he thinks he can manage to not make Rey or Leia look like villains or something here. It wasn't some good versus bad thinking at the end of the day, just choices that couldn't reconcile.
But he doesn't know what Jyn and Cassian (who he is treating as a singular unit in this case, because anything Jyn hears from him is fine for Cassian to also hear) know about Rey and the Force, or about a lot of the sort of. Mess. That is the interpersonal relationships web in the wars of these, our stars.
Which actually gives Finn a decent starting point. ]
What do you know about Kylo Ren?
[ aka the one variable in this equation he absolutely doesn't care if he makes them look awful. Since Kylo Ren is awful. ]
That's about right. [ "He's a twat." Jyn you're doing amazing sweetie. Finn goes to the painstaking effort of schooling his expression. One of those things he's plenty efficient at through necessity, if not prone to doing as a default. ]
He tried to kill us. Rey and me. Back home, before we got here. Almost managed it. Then he showed up here, tried to kill Poe. Almost managed that, too. Kylo Ren tortures people. Kills people. Gives out orders to kill people he can't be bothered to murder on his own.
[ Kylo Ren makes up a fair amount of the reasons Finn jerks awake some nights, feeling like he's wrapped around a hard line of phantom pain. The surge of fear and adrenaline. Rey hitting the ground on Starkiller. The sound of Poe's distant screaming.
Finn's never seen a reason not to keep his distaste amped up to the full 100. A beat, then: ]
[ it doesn't completely compare because of all that force garbage, but jyn naturally applies her disgust for krennic to kylo ren without even having to put any effort into it. she's already conflated the first order with the empire, so it's not a huge leap to make. krennic continually ruined her life and became something of a personal nightmare for her until cassian shot him, kylo ren (what a ridiculous name) seems to be something of finn's personal nightmare. ]
That is why Poe was in the hospital. [ at least his moping finally makes sense and jyn feels even better about making him work it out in a productive way. ]
[ The finer details are part of what's not his to share. The basic stuff's enough to get his point across. ]
Rey and Leia were just... being Rey and Leia. [ Good. Kind when they have every reason not to be. Hopeful when no one else could find a thread to grab. He'd catch grenades for them without question. ] They thought if we've got him here away from the First Order, maybe they could... get him to turn. Switch sides. We didn't agree with that.
[ Put Rey up like collateral, he'd thought. Her and anyone connected to them. It didn't feel like a hope. It felt like someone's desperation. The logic on his end still isn't complicated to him. Bad idea. Bad person. He wishes he could legitimately understand it. ]
They backed down, but. [ He pulls a face. Shakes his head. ] Hard to hear that a maybe might be worth more than everything he's already done to you. Everything he's been part of. Even if they didn't go through with it. So we thought we should get some space.
[ Things still aren't close to the same. But that has a way of happening, he's realizing. ]
[ she understands rey and leia being rey and leia, especially leia -- which is odd, considering she's known rey longer and odd considering jyn can feel the undercurrent of temper that seems to envelop the princess. it matches jyn's own, equal parts anger and loss. leia's goodness shines brighter than anything jyn could manage.
chirrut would disagree, but he isn't here to have an opinion. ]
They want to save him?
[ and jyn understands, wanting to bring someone back. she'd struggled to reconcile galen leaving with the empire when she was small, she'd convinced herself of the truth, but too many years had passed and she'd let saw convince her of a lie to protect her heart. but her father was an imperial, double agent or not, and though his revenge eventually destroyed the death star it wasn't until after jedha, after scarif,
after alderaan.
did he deserve a chance? maybe. jyn had wanted to save him, but... at least galen didn't believe in what she was doing. ]
[ He's not sure he sees how that pans out even if they do somehow manage to change Kylo Ren's mind. ]
He's gotten the chance to leave before. Didn't seem to think of it as a rescue.
[ If Slip showed up here tomorrow, Finn thinks with sudden clarity, or hell, even Nines or Zeroes, he'd try. He'd try until it got him killed or until it risked getting someone else killed.
But he would try, because stormtroopers don't get the luxury of choice, because Slip didn't get a chance, and at a certain point Finn knows it would be because he's selfish, too. Because he doesn't want to be the only one to make it out. He doesn't know anyone who would have gone with him but sometimes it still feels like something must be wrong with him, or that he must have done something wrong. ]
Hard to convince someone who doesn't think they're on the wrong side. Maybe they'll figure it out. I don't know.
[ Maybe they can do what his father offering a way out and a family to go back to couldn't do, somehow. Maybe part of Finn just resents how easily a door opened up for Kylo Ren, when he had to rely on luck and desperation, terrified of the fact that he'd lowered his blaster against orders and terrified of something he'd been raised to see as unstoppable turning against him. #NarrativeFoilProblems
If Rey or Leia need help, he'll be there in a heartbeat. But the space has been good. ]
Idealism doesn't win wars, [ jyn comments idly, tipping her head back to rest against the wall as her eyes close. ]
That is why people like Cassian exist.
[ someone to get their hands dirty so mon mothma and bail organa could keep theirs clean, keep the blood of her pristine robes. it's a sad way to think, idealism and hope are supposed to drive rebellions and in some way, she knows they do. hope kept rogue one going, but it didn't stop them from doing what needed to be done.
but jyn is a realist, regardless of her hope. she knows better than to let hope lead blindly. ]
[ It's weird to hear those words in that sort of context. Not about idealism, because that holds up to his line of thinking. Cassian said the same sort of thing at the Glow Ball. He remembers that.
But that's why they exist. Not what they exist for.
People like Jyn, too, he thinks. Maybe like him. People who were made, didn't have a chance to become until now. DJ called war a machine; in some ways he wasn't wrong. Just a horrible scumbag.
Finn wouldn't trade Jyn and Cassian as they are for anyone. He wouldn't change how his life went, because of what he's found.
He'll fight until there's nothing left of him if it means there's a chance he can keep it from happening to someone else, though. ]
You would say that now that I'm finally getting the hang of idealism. [ its 3am jokes don't count towards his monthly limit rn.
[ jyn snorts a soft little chuckle, rolling her head to look at him. there's more goodness in finn's little finger than she can contain in her entire body, but it's tempered by reality and his past so she is pretty sure he is going to be the one to make it out of the new rebellion alive and well.
a rebellious butterfly. ]
Now you can blame me if you foul it up.
[ her fingers drum against her crystal before she lets her hand drop into her lap. saw would say that finn already had too much hope, but that is where jyn learned to disagree with him. rebellions may have needed one good, solid tragedy to make martyrs out of them all, to make it impossible to look away, but they were built on hope.
she doesn't trust the force as much as her mother wanted her to, as much as chirrut wanted her to she supposes, but she trusts it enough, an arm's length sort of trust. she trusts that finn will be okay and that's enough for her. ]
Idealism? From me? No one would believe it. [ she reaches over to pat his knee and it's notable if only because aside from sparring, which is purpose driven and necessary, it's the first time jyn erso has initiated touching him.
she might not shake finn off anymore, but she certainly isn't the one reaching out to grab his hand. regardless, something about the conversation seems to have settled her in some way and she offers finn a smile that seems to say "good luck, pal". there, there. don't set yourself up for failure like that. ]
[ Settled is good. Even a little. The pat is arguably better than good. There are tons of people he doesn't touch who don't touch him in this city, obviously. He's got a habit of reaching for people, though, mostly because he can.
The first time he reflexively reached for Jyn and didn't get shaken off was pretty much a huge personal victory, because Jyn and Cassian don't Do a lot of touch.
Finn looks surprised for a couple of seconds, and then his face becomes a fierce battleground between two warring factions: blatant affection and a teeny bit of pride, because he's bad at controlling his face when there are good things afoot. Jyn Erso showed up to talk to him about something terrifying and confusing at three in the morning, swore him to secrecy, and then patted him on the knee. On purpose.
Finn thinks she might just trust him a little. And for once, he's weirdly not stricken with the immediate dread that it's because she thinks he's something he's not and it can't possibly hold up. ]
Let me guess. It doesn't count if Poe believes it.
Of course it doesn't. [ so blithe. so blasé. she won't give poe an inch because she knows she'll let him take a mile because he reminds her of a certain rebel of her own.
the tiny smile stay on her expression like a ghost. jyn isn't used to smiling, especially on purpose, but it's strange how someone who is just as disastrous as she and cassian are can still have faith in her ability to not fuck up this objectively Good Thing. she feels
ugh, she feels hopeful. ]
I should get back. I told him I wouldn't be more than an hour and I know he read my note when I left.
[ because she didn't speak to him, she just ran away like a panicky child and hoped he would stay half asleep until she closed the door. it's baby steps, alright. ]
He tries not to judge too hard for her note tactic. Historically he and Rey and Poe made a longstanding habit of pretending to be asleep even though they knew none of them were actually asleep... back in the day. Sometimes you think "this is dumb, we could at least be talking" and then you lay there until six in the morning anyway. Still though. That's clearly not actually telling him the thing. It's leaving a note about the thing.
Finn gets back to his feet. ]
Did you at least leave it where he could reach it?
[ Write a note, stick it to the fridge. Cassian has to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen to read it because he's extremely observant and heard that she stuck it on the fridge. It's weirdly easy to picture. ]
shoving herself to her feet, jyn finds her chest doesn't feel as tight anymore. the lingering discomfort is still there but it's not so all-encompassing. turns out talking about your problems actually helps???
[ New fact: they sleep in the same bed. This is useless knowledge at current. But it's good that she was a sympathetic and reasonable person about note-leaving. Jyn is a good. She should be proud of herself. ]
Anytime. I think you figured that out already. [ Given the circumstances. He nods. ] Thank you, too. For listening.
[ Like honestly though. Sounded fake but... talking is okay.
Now go ask Cassian if he wants to kiss at four in the morning. ]
[ literally, even at three in the morning because fair is fair. with another faint smile, jyn turns and slips out the door to... go back to ask cassian if he wants to kiss at four in the morning.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He's never died. Only come close a few times. Still, he thinks the sentiment behind it falls in the neighborhood of things he understands. ]
I don't know. Figuring out good things isn't in my pay grade. [ Something good you have is something you can lose. There's always another shoe waiting to drop. Maybe that's why.
Finn's always had trouble pinpointing exactly what it is about Jyn and Cassian that he can feel himself reflecting. The sense of cautious ease, an understanding without a real name. Different than it is with Rey or with Poe. People are hard, being a person is hard. Maybe they're all just a little off in the same ways. (He can't think broken if it's not just him.)
Finn knocks the fronts of his boots together a couple of times, where he's got his legs stretched out.
He's better at hope than he used to be. That has to be good for something. After a second, he tips his head to one side. ] But I'm pretty sure Cassian knows about as much about doing this as either of us do, so.
[ That's probably a good thing too right. They're both at like level 0. No expectations. They can figure it out from the ground floor. He thinks that sounds like a thing that's real. What good is being a whole two years older when he can only vaguely pretend to be wise. smdh. But you know what he absolutely, 100% knows about this? ]
I figure anything you know is a good thing is something worth finding. You're still on the same team. You're in this together. Worse ways to start.
no subject
they're a team. ]
If you tell anyone...
[ it will not be pretty. she was in an imperial prison, she knows all about torture. no, she would never, finn is a Good Person and she adores him. but she will let the cat pee all over his everything until all he can smell for the rest of his life is cat urine. ]
no subject
It's always good to hear you're not alone.
Jyn is even still herself enough to make threats. That probably shouldn't make him smile, and yet? ]
Yeah, I know. [ Or he can guess what the implication is. She could basically destroy him on any given day, through a lot of different means. ] Don't worry. I don't break promises.
no subject
I never asked, what happened.
[ she gestures at the door like that explains the rest of her entirely vague question. everything was cool and now he and poe live here and it's been A While and she's just bothering to ask now because 3am on the floor in the hallway seems like the best time to have conversations about life, the universe, and everything. ]
no subject
He's pretty sure he knows exactly what she means already. But he has to remember that he was also "pretty sure" DJ actually owned that ship from Canto Bight for like twenty minutes? Or however long that time frame was exactly, because TLJ could be a little muddled about that at times. Anyway, he opts to clarify, since it is 3 AM and she could be thinking of something else. ]
With what? Moving?
no subject
Everything.
[ when u know something happened but u don't know what happened. ]
no subject
Kind of complicated. Some of it's not really mine to talk about. [ And that's not just him trying to make his case about being good with promises. Finn doesn't sound against giving an answer by any means. He takes a second to think, though, forehead creasing.
Some of it he knows should be fine to mention. And he thinks he can manage to not make Rey or Leia look like villains or something here. It wasn't some good versus bad thinking at the end of the day, just choices that couldn't reconcile.
But he doesn't know what Jyn and Cassian (who he is treating as a singular unit in this case, because anything Jyn hears from him is fine for Cassian to also hear) know about Rey and the Force, or about a lot of the sort of. Mess. That is the interpersonal relationships web in the wars of these, our stars.
Which actually gives Finn a decent starting point. ]
What do you know about Kylo Ren?
[ aka the one variable in this equation he absolutely doesn't care if he makes them look awful. Since Kylo Ren is awful. ]
no subject
[ a shrug. she heard it second hand through cassian so it's not like she even really knows, but she does decide to clarify further than that. ]
Poe told Cassian he was a Force user, but shitty. As a person, not his proficiency with the Force.
no subject
He tried to kill us. Rey and me. Back home, before we got here. Almost managed it. Then he showed up here, tried to kill Poe. Almost managed that, too. Kylo Ren tortures people. Kills people. Gives out orders to kill people he can't be bothered to murder on his own.
[ Kylo Ren makes up a fair amount of the reasons Finn jerks awake some nights, feeling like he's wrapped around a hard line of phantom pain. The surge of fear and adrenaline. Rey hitting the ground on Starkiller. The sound of Poe's distant screaming.
Finn's never seen a reason not to keep his distaste amped up to the full 100. A beat, then: ]
So obviously he's with the First Order.
[ The time just switched from 3 to receipt o'clock. ]
no subject
a ridiculous name) seems to be something of finn's personal nightmare. ]
That is why Poe was in the hospital. [ at least his moping finally makes sense and jyn feels even better about making him work it out in a productive way. ]
no subject
[ The finer details are part of what's not his to share. The basic stuff's enough to get his point across. ]
Rey and Leia were just... being Rey and Leia. [ Good. Kind when they have every reason not to be. Hopeful when no one else could find a thread to grab. He'd catch grenades for them without question. ] They thought if we've got him here away from the First Order, maybe they could... get him to turn. Switch sides. We didn't agree with that.
[ Put Rey up like collateral, he'd thought. Her and anyone connected to them. It didn't feel like a hope. It felt like someone's desperation. The logic on his end still isn't complicated to him. Bad idea. Bad person. He wishes he could legitimately understand it. ]
They backed down, but. [ He pulls a face. Shakes his head. ] Hard to hear that a maybe might be worth more than everything he's already done to you. Everything he's been part of. Even if they didn't go through with it. So we thought we should get some space.
[ Things still aren't close to the same. But that has a way of happening, he's realizing. ]
no subject
chirrut would disagree, but he isn't here to have an opinion. ]
They want to save him?
[ and jyn understands, wanting to bring someone back. she'd struggled to reconcile galen leaving with the empire when she was small, she'd convinced herself of the truth, but too many years had passed and she'd let saw convince her of a lie to protect her heart. but her father was an imperial, double agent or not, and though his revenge eventually destroyed the death star it wasn't until after jedha, after scarif,
after alderaan.
did he deserve a chance? maybe. jyn had wanted to save him, but... at least galen didn't believe in what she was doing. ]
no subject
[ He's not sure he sees how that pans out even if they do somehow manage to change Kylo Ren's mind. ]
He's gotten the chance to leave before. Didn't seem to think of it as a rescue.
[ If Slip showed up here tomorrow, Finn thinks with sudden clarity, or hell, even Nines or Zeroes, he'd try. He'd try until it got him killed or until it risked getting someone else killed.
But he would try, because stormtroopers don't get the luxury of choice, because Slip didn't get a chance, and at a certain point Finn knows it would be because he's selfish, too. Because he doesn't want to be the only one to make it out. He doesn't know anyone who would have gone with him but sometimes it still feels like something must be wrong with him, or that he must have done something wrong. ]
Hard to convince someone who doesn't think they're on the wrong side. Maybe they'll figure it out. I don't know.
[ Maybe they can do what his father offering a way out and a family to go back to couldn't do, somehow. Maybe part of Finn just resents how easily a door opened up for Kylo Ren, when he had to rely on luck and desperation, terrified of the fact that he'd lowered his blaster against orders and terrified of something he'd been raised to see as unstoppable turning against him. #NarrativeFoilProblems
If Rey or Leia need help, he'll be there in a heartbeat. But the space has been good. ]
no subject
That is why people like Cassian exist.
[ someone to get their hands dirty so mon mothma and bail organa could keep theirs clean, keep the blood of her pristine robes. it's a sad way to think, idealism and hope are supposed to drive rebellions and in some way, she knows they do. hope kept rogue one going, but it didn't stop them from doing what needed to be done.
but jyn is a realist, regardless of her hope. she knows better than to let hope lead blindly. ]
no subject
But that's why they exist. Not what they exist for.
People like Jyn, too, he thinks. Maybe like him. People who were made, didn't have a chance to become until now. DJ called war a machine; in some ways he wasn't wrong. Just a horrible scumbag.
Finn wouldn't trade Jyn and Cassian as they are for anyone. He wouldn't change how his life went, because of what he's found.
He'll fight until there's nothing left of him if it means there's a chance he can keep it from happening to someone else, though. ]
You would say that now that I'm finally getting the hang of idealism. [ its 3am jokes don't count towards his monthly limit rn.
important edit: also, he loves her. ]
no subject
a rebellious butterfly. ]
Now you can blame me if you foul it up.
[ her fingers drum against her crystal before she lets her hand drop into her lap. saw would say that finn already had too much hope, but that is where jyn learned to disagree with him. rebellions may have needed one good, solid tragedy to make martyrs out of them all, to make it impossible to look away, but they were built on hope.
she doesn't trust the force as much as her mother wanted her to, as much as chirrut wanted her to she supposes, but she trusts it enough, an arm's length sort of trust. she trusts that finn will be okay and that's enough for her. ]
no subject
All right. Don't think I wouldn't.
[ Because as we all know, this is totally what happens and exactly what Finn will do.
It's not. But I thought about this meme and I couldn't not make it. ]
But you'd have to take some credit if I don't foul it up. You know. For balance.
no subject
she might not shake finn off anymore, but she certainly isn't the one reaching out to grab his hand. regardless, something about the conversation seems to have settled her in some way and she offers finn a smile that seems to say "good luck, pal". there, there. don't set yourself up for failure like that. ]
You're welcome to try.
no subject
The first time he reflexively reached for Jyn and didn't get shaken off was pretty much a huge personal victory, because Jyn and Cassian don't Do a lot of touch.
Finn looks surprised for a couple of seconds, and then his face becomes a fierce battleground between two warring factions: blatant affection and a teeny bit of pride, because he's bad at controlling his face when there are good things afoot. Jyn Erso showed up to talk to him about something terrifying and confusing at three in the morning, swore him to secrecy, and then patted him on the knee. On purpose.
Finn thinks she might just trust him a little. And for once, he's weirdly not stricken with the immediate dread that it's because she thinks he's something he's not and it can't possibly hold up. ]
Let me guess. It doesn't count if Poe believes it.
no subject
the tiny smile stay on her expression like a ghost. jyn isn't used to smiling, especially on purpose, but it's strange how someone who is just as disastrous as she and cassian are can still have faith in her ability to not fuck up this objectively Good Thing. she feels
ugh, she feels hopeful. ]
I should get back. I told him I wouldn't be more than an hour and I know he read my note when I left.
[ because she didn't speak to him, she just ran away like a panicky child and hoped he would stay half asleep until she closed the door. it's baby steps, alright. ]
nelson laughs at jyn feeling hopeful
He tries not to judge too hard for her note tactic. Historically he and Rey and Poe made a longstanding habit of pretending to be asleep even though they knew none of them were actually asleep... back in the day. Sometimes you think "this is dumb, we could at least be talking" and then you lay there until six in the morning anyway. Still though. That's clearly not actually telling him the thing. It's leaving a note about the thing.
Finn gets back to his feet. ]
Did you at least leave it where he could reach it?
[ Write a note, stick it to the fridge. Cassian has to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen to read it because he's extremely observant and heard that she stuck it on the fridge. It's weirdly easy to picture. ]
no subject
[ she's not a monster.
shoving herself to her feet, jyn finds her chest doesn't feel as tight anymore. the lingering discomfort is still there but it's not so all-encompassing. turns out talking about your problems actually helps???
disgusting. ]
Thanks, Finn.
no subject
Anytime. I think you figured that out already. [ Given the circumstances. He nods. ] Thank you, too. For listening.
[ Like honestly though. Sounded fake but... talking is okay.
Now go ask Cassian if he wants to kiss at four in the morning. ]
no subject
[ literally, even at three in the morning because fair is fair. with another faint smile, jyn turns and slips out the door to... go back to ask cassian if he wants to kiss at four in the morning.
yolo. ]