[ 'Usually,' he says, and she finishes, 'But not now.'
The closest thing to this she'd felt was with Keith in that truth exercise, and she'd come away from it feeling entirely like he was trying to leave her. They both had other people, he'd said, which she took to mean they didn't need to rely upon one another anymore. Cling like the universe was going to fall away if they didn't.
But Keith had told her she was wrong, then, and she hopes she's wrong now. There's no anger in Finn, none that the Force will show her at least. Only confusion. ]
I'll understand if you're upset with me.
[ She opts for this. Not being able to understand why someone makes the choices they do is a shortcut to anger and outrage. She knows this, and she won't hold it against him. ]
Or if you need time, or you'd rather I don't talk about him.
[ All of these are things that she has tried in other ways and failed in other ways with Hathaway. She offers them now as though they could somehow be strategies. ]
But I told myself for months that Poe and the other Finn wouldn't understand my feelings, and that I had to hide them. All it did was make me feel far away from them.
[ He remembers telling her what he was on Takodana and waiting for everything to change. Waiting for the anger, the disgust, the fear to roll in.
And all the moments where he'd almost told her before, where he'd thought about how to do it, only to get sidetracked or to lose his nerve, to end up sitting on the truth a little longer-- the thing about that was that it weighed everything down. Threaded through everything. Even the brightest spots.
He hadn't known her nearly well enough to feel distant; but he'd known it was something that made close a much more distant possibility in the first place. ]
I'd rather know. [ That much, he knows too. He'd rather know now than find out some other way. He'd rather know than have her resign herself to feeling far away again.
So that's one thing figured out. ]
Can... [ Finn swallows. ] Are you safe? Can you promise you're safe?
[ There's a flicker of confusion in her face there, if only because it hasn't occurred to her to even ask that question in so long — the 'will Kylo Ren hurt her' question. Even in Hanabira, when he'd come at her under the guise of sparring and she'd faced him down while he held both of their lightsabers, she'd leaned into her faith in him instead of that fear.
It had been the right choice. He's much more docile now. Not tamed, necessarily. But she can't see him doing anything like that again.
Beyond that, of course, there's the memory of Perdition's Rest, where she'd come close to killing him a second time. Even if Kylo Ren wanted to hurt her, he'd failed to every other time he'd tried. Perhaps the bond would turn the tables, make her weak to hurting him, but it seems unlikely that it would be disproportionate on her part. He'd be just as reluctant to strike her.
So for both these reasons, she actually … laughs a little at that. Even as short as it is, it's a relief. It opens up the space between them, lightens the weight on her chest. ]
Yes. I promise. He won't hurt me, Finn.
[ Unless she … asks him to … But there's maybe not quite enough levity in this conversation yet for that, no matter what Finn thinks he'd rather know. ]
[ Honestly, yeah, even Finn feels something settle with the assurance, the ease with which she delivers it. No hesitation. Like it's the easiest question in the world. He tends to lean towards skepticism, but not much holds a candle to his trust in the things Rey is certain about.
Or, well, his trust in Rey and that's about it. But it's a starting point. He can always touch base on believing in Rey. ]
Okay.
[ And he doesn't have to like it. He doesn't feel like he's obligated to pretend that he does. He was very up-front about the only olive branch he has to offer in regards to Kylo Ren himself before the conversation even got around to the Feelings Part. Rey didn't jump into some my way or no way, all or nothing extreme about that. She didn't say there's only one way this works. She just-- put the truth out there and told him he has room to make his own choice about how he handles it.
Historically, that's better than most of Finn's life experiences. When he thinks on it, he finds the idea of taking her middle ground and pulling out the sort of ultimatums he's tired of to be, to say the least, pretty unappealing. Exactly where that leaves him, he has no idea. Except for a short and reluctant admittance to himself that maybe.... somehow......... this will not be the end of the world? His One Fear levels go from crisis mode to his default keyed-up levels.
He actually will have to think about this more over time, won't he. There's no handy way to avoid thinking about it forever when they're all lumped into close quarters in a sex study facility together.
Also Rey is wise and powerful please don't joke about Kylo's dick he's not ready. ]
Okay. As long as you're okay, I can... I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing. [ He's not afraid to admit that to Rey. Or to Poe. Between the three of them, there's sort of a comfort in knowing none of them know what they're doing at all right now. ] But I believe you. So I'll figure it out.
[ Still pretty firmly in the anti Kylo Ren as a person camp, yes. But he does spare a thought to acknowledge that if she'd sat him down and said I have feelings for General Hux, he would have actually legitimately walked away on the spot. Probably forever.
So there are much worse things than this, and much, much worse things than Rey believing in Kylo Ren's ability to not want to hunt down and gruesomely murder all 15 people left in the Resistance. Like, objectively. There has to be a coping mechanism designed for these situations that he can learn. ]
Well that makes two of us. Because I don't know what I'm doing either.
[ Her smile quirks at that, halfway to a laugh. It's comforting to her too. This is the one thing that makes sense — the two of them winging it as they go along. Making it up and hoping they strike hyperfuel somehow. She keeps hold of his hand and reaches her other palm over to rest atop his forearm, a sort of pseudo-embrace that is designed to further affirm that her choice is well-considered.
Ben thought she had it more together than he did somehow, that this came more naturally to her. And it does, in a way. She has never cut herself off from her compassion and empathy like he had. In many ways he is learning how to re-access those parts of himself through her. But she still feels cluelessly inexperienced with caring about people in that way, with being close to them.
It's a difficult thing to do. And already, she can feel that he's right — it's going to be more complicated for being here. She hasn't even confronted the 'what is gonna happen when Kylo Ren puts his dick somewhere else' question yet.
She finally settles into something resembling peace, even though he's still conflicted and confused. It's out there. They're working on it. It's going to be alright. Her expression softens, warms up, and — ]
[ These are Star Wars heroes truly made for millennials. No one knows what they're doing, but they love each other and they sure are trying hard. Everything went somewhat better than expected.
Finn has it in him to smile back. And, with a little shade of humor: ]
No problem. Thanks for telling me.
[ As far as accomplishments go, he'd like to do everything he can to prove he's worth trusting with it. ]
[ She decides that's what this needs. Carbonated sugar. She's addicted already. Rey asks, but she's already on her feet and settling on 'yes, everyone wants a soda.' Also it gives her something to move forward onto that doesn't involve dragging this. ]
Thor showed me how to make the vending machine dispense as many as I want.
[ It's too late tbh it's a trick now. Regular Finn: oh okay so you just press the button that seems straightforward and exactly like what I expected. Hooded kermit Finn: Rey pressed a button twice, she's amazing and the greatest hacker in the world.
Some part of him isn't even surprised that she can namedrop a god when he's basically just met a normal guy named Matt since getting here though. Shoutout to Matt. Matt is great. ]
I guess it's good to know gods don't get passed over to volunteer. I mean, is he-- is that an actual god, or more like someone people decided to make a god?
[ Like it's gonna make any difference to him personally anyway? He doesn't know. If there's a friend-knows-a-god protocol, he hasn't gotten the XP to learn it yet. ]
[ She says that with a simple kind of certainty. She'd been on the fence for a while too, but Loki's repetitive dying pretty much sold her on it. Which is still sad. She's still mourning and having a rough time with that, but it's fine.
Oh, she hasn't told Kylo about that yet.
Oh …
He's going to be upset.
Anyway. ]
He seems thrilled to be here, honestly. Definitely welcoming the vacation.
[ Huh. Real god. NBD. Finn's gonna live his life and drink some soda like this is absolutely a casual life situation that happens all the time. ]
Vacation's a nice way to put it. [ It's a word that never crossed his mind, even with the fancy beach and the free food and everything. ] Felt a little more like a mission to me.
[ She grins a little as she says it because ? ?? a mission to have sex sounds absurd. Yet they had both fallen into that together, showing that they are even now more alike than they would have guessed. It's reassuring. She clings to it, evidence that she and Finn are still Bonded For Life. ]
Just a job that we have to get done. Another way to save the Resistance.
[ The friends who decide it's easier to think about this whole endeavor as a mission together stay together. That's real legit Bonding. Finn huffs, and it's definitely closer to a laugh than not. ]
Save the galaxy and then go home to... save the galaxy again. [ Which would realistically be easier without Kylo Ren trying to murder them. So that's not. Bad. ] I didn't know we were making careers out of this.
Someone has to. Every story about every Rebellion hero you've ever heard — they were all just people, once.
[ She's starting to get that. Starting to, at least. It still feels like a distant thing, the notion that she might be able to be the Jedi that the Resistance needs. And she still can't quite bring herself to separate it from Ben, or decide what their solution ought to look like. Could they make any change without tearing the entire First Order down? ]
[ Finn pulls a face. A super dignified face. Not that he has a ton of cool-sounding Rebellion hero stories to pick from yet, but he knows what it's all about. He did that "people believe in Leia" speech.
But he can also relate the desire to go live on an obscure isolated planet and not deal with stuff, so honestly shoutout to all of the Jedi masters ever. ]
Well, I'm still working on being people. Maybe it'll be better to try the hero thing and work back from there.
[ Rey laughs. It's a bright, refreshing sound of relief. She's working on being people too, and somehow, Finn has found the way to put it to words in a way she couldn't. He's better at expressing himself than she is. ]
Here's hoping.
[ Because she's, in turn, better at that than he is. ]
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no subject
The closest thing to this she'd felt was with Keith in that truth exercise, and she'd come away from it feeling entirely like he was trying to leave her. They both had other people, he'd said, which she took to mean they didn't need to rely upon one another anymore. Cling like the universe was going to fall away if they didn't.
But Keith had told her she was wrong, then, and she hopes she's wrong now. There's no anger in Finn, none that the Force will show her at least. Only confusion. ]
I'll understand if you're upset with me.
[ She opts for this. Not being able to understand why someone makes the choices they do is a shortcut to anger and outrage. She knows this, and she won't hold it against him. ]
Or if you need time, or you'd rather I don't talk about him.
[ All of these are things that she has tried in other ways and failed in other ways with Hathaway. She offers them now as though they could somehow be strategies. ]
But I told myself for months that Poe and the other Finn wouldn't understand my feelings, and that I had to hide them. All it did was make me feel far away from them.
no subject
And all the moments where he'd almost told her before, where he'd thought about how to do it, only to get sidetracked or to lose his nerve, to end up sitting on the truth a little longer-- the thing about that was that it weighed everything down. Threaded through everything. Even the brightest spots.
He hadn't known her nearly well enough to feel distant; but he'd known it was something that made close a much more distant possibility in the first place. ]
I'd rather know. [ That much, he knows too. He'd rather know now than find out some other way. He'd rather know than have her resign herself to feeling far away again.
So that's one thing figured out. ]
Can... [ Finn swallows. ] Are you safe? Can you promise you're safe?
no subject
It had been the right choice. He's much more docile now. Not tamed, necessarily. But she can't see him doing anything like that again.
Beyond that, of course, there's the memory of Perdition's Rest, where she'd come close to killing him a second time. Even if Kylo Ren wanted to hurt her, he'd failed to every other time he'd tried. Perhaps the bond would turn the tables, make her weak to hurting him, but it seems unlikely that it would be disproportionate on her part. He'd be just as reluctant to strike her.
So for both these reasons, she actually … laughs a little at that. Even as short as it is, it's a relief. It opens up the space between them, lightens the weight on her chest. ]
Yes. I promise. He won't hurt me, Finn.
[ Unless she … asks him to … But there's maybe not quite enough levity in this conversation yet for that, no matter what Finn thinks he'd rather know. ]
no subject
Or, well, his trust in Rey and that's about it. But it's a starting point. He can always touch base on believing in Rey. ]
Okay.
[ And he doesn't have to like it. He doesn't feel like he's obligated to pretend that he does. He was very up-front about the only olive branch he has to offer in regards to Kylo Ren himself before the conversation even got around to the Feelings Part. Rey didn't jump into some my way or no way, all or nothing extreme about that. She didn't say there's only one way this works. She just-- put the truth out there and told him he has room to make his own choice about how he handles it.
Historically, that's better than most of Finn's life experiences. When he thinks on it, he finds the idea of taking her middle ground and pulling out the sort of ultimatums he's tired of to be, to say the least, pretty unappealing. Exactly where that leaves him, he has no idea. Except for a short and reluctant admittance to himself that maybe.... somehow......... this will not be the end of the world? His One Fear levels go from crisis mode to his default keyed-up levels.
He actually will have to think about this more over time, won't he. There's no handy way to avoid thinking about it forever when they're all lumped into close quarters in a sex study facility together.
Also Rey is wise and powerful please don't joke about Kylo's dick he's not ready. ]
Okay. As long as you're okay, I can... I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing. [ He's not afraid to admit that to Rey. Or to Poe. Between the three of them, there's sort of a comfort in knowing none of them know what they're doing at all right now. ] But I believe you. So I'll figure it out.
[ Still pretty firmly in the anti Kylo Ren as a person camp, yes. But he does spare a thought to acknowledge that if she'd sat him down and said I have feelings for General Hux, he would have actually legitimately walked away on the spot. Probably forever.
So there are much worse things than this, and much, much worse things than Rey believing in Kylo Ren's ability to not want to hunt down and gruesomely murder all 15 people left in the Resistance. Like, objectively. There has to be a coping mechanism designed for these situations that he can learn. ]
no subject
[ Her smile quirks at that, halfway to a laugh. It's comforting to her too. This is the one thing that makes sense — the two of them winging it as they go along. Making it up and hoping they strike hyperfuel somehow. She keeps hold of his hand and reaches her other palm over to rest atop his forearm, a sort of pseudo-embrace that is designed to further affirm that her choice is well-considered.
Ben thought she had it more together than he did somehow, that this came more naturally to her. And it does, in a way. She has never cut herself off from her compassion and empathy like he had. In many ways he is learning how to re-access those parts of himself through her. But she still feels cluelessly inexperienced with caring about people in that way, with being close to them.
It's a difficult thing to do. And already, she can feel that he's right — it's going to be more complicated for being here. She hasn't even confronted the 'what is gonna happen when Kylo Ren puts his dick somewhere else' question yet.
She finally settles into something resembling peace, even though he's still conflicted and confused. It's out there. They're working on it. It's going to be alright. Her expression softens, warms up, and — ]
Thank you.
no subject
Finn has it in him to smile back. And, with a little shade of humor: ]
No problem. Thanks for telling me.
[ As far as accomplishments go, he'd like to do everything he can to prove he's worth trusting with it. ]
no subject
[ She decides that's what this needs. Carbonated sugar. She's addicted already. Rey asks, but she's already on her feet and settling on 'yes, everyone wants a soda.' Also it gives her something to move forward onto that doesn't involve dragging this. ]
Thor showed me how to make the vending machine dispense as many as I want.
no subject
Nah who am I kidding, Finn is straddling the Neutral Good line and smoothly executing vending machine life hacks isn't on his radar. ]
Yeah. Sure. [ He is 100% here to watch this trick in motion. ] Who's Thor?
[ They've got to be cooler than DJ. Not that that's hard. ]
no subject
that's it. that's how the machine works. it's literally its design. ]
Asgardian god of thunder. Thor Odinson. I knew a different version of him, too, in Hathaway.
no subject
Some part of him isn't even surprised that she can namedrop a god when he's basically just met a normal guy named Matt since getting here though. Shoutout to Matt. Matt is great. ]
I guess it's good to know gods don't get passed over to volunteer. I mean, is he-- is that an actual god, or more like someone people decided to make a god?
[ Like it's gonna make any difference to him personally anyway? He doesn't know. If there's a friend-knows-a-god protocol, he hasn't gotten the XP to learn it yet. ]
no subject
[ She says that with a simple kind of certainty. She'd been on the fence for a while too, but Loki's repetitive dying pretty much sold her on it. Which is still sad. She's still mourning and having a rough time with that, but it's fine.
Oh, she hasn't told Kylo about that yet.
Oh …
He's going to be upset.
Anyway. ]
He seems thrilled to be here, honestly. Definitely welcoming the vacation.
no subject
Vacation's a nice way to put it. [ It's a word that never crossed his mind, even with the fancy beach and the free food and everything. ] Felt a little more like a mission to me.
[ .......... i mean ]
A weird mission.
no subject
[ She grins a little as she says it because ? ?? a mission to have sex sounds absurd. Yet they had both fallen into that together, showing that they are even now more alike than they would have guessed. It's reassuring. She clings to it, evidence that she and Finn are still Bonded For Life. ]
Just a job that we have to get done. Another way to save the Resistance.
no subject
Save the galaxy and then go home to... save the galaxy again. [ Which would realistically be easier without Kylo Ren trying to murder them. So that's not. Bad. ] I didn't know we were making careers out of this.
no subject
[ She's starting to get that. Starting to, at least. It still feels like a distant thing, the notion that she might be able to be the Jedi that the Resistance needs. And she still can't quite bring herself to separate it from Ben, or decide what their solution ought to look like. Could they make any change without tearing the entire First Order down? ]
no subject
But he can also relate the desire to go live on an obscure isolated planet and not deal with stuff, so honestly shoutout to all of the Jedi masters ever. ]
Well, I'm still working on being people. Maybe it'll be better to try the hero thing and work back from there.
no subject
Here's hoping.
[ Because she's, in turn, better at that than he is. ]